Hi Aussiejem

lol Many thanks it's great more and more people are adding their contributions and certainly keeping me grinning from ear to ear!

Thanks it's much apprecaited!


Katz

Hi ALL


Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

The woman yells out the window, PIG!

Man yells out window, B*TCH!

Man rounds next curve.

Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.


Thought For the Day: If only men would listen.


Katz

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

Nope,' she replies.

IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

To which Margaret replies.........
"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

Hi Aussiejem

lol Love it!!

Katz

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times".

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times."

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

* Nike Condoms: Just do it

* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling

* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

* Optus Condoms: Yes!

* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going

* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop

* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day

* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)

* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected

* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....

* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek

* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.

* Quicken Condoms: Quicken Easy


The following brands would probably not sell very well.....

* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That

* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....

* RTA Condoms: Speed kills

* Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

* Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face

* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk..... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are
you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my d**k', he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further
with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked
out, waited several minutes and re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, '?Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He
thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when
you're calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a
girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the
photo.


She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long
wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her.....you know the
kind.
He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back
in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello?' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and
what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want
it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it.

Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover
me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?'


She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press “9”.

A builder and a priest were out for a game of golf one
afternoon. Unfortunately, the builder wasn't very good
at the game and every time he missed a shot he would
shout, "Sh*t, missed." The game went on and after
several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold
his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that," he told his
friend, "or God will punish you." The builder apologized
and the game continued. As soon as he missed another
shot the builder shouted, "Sh*t, missed," and continued
to do so every time he missed a shot for the next three
holes. The priest was starting to get really angry by now
and said, "I must insist that you stop swearing this
instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"
Once again, his pleas fell on deaf ears as the builder
missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and
shouted, "Sh*t, missed!" Immediately the heavens parted
and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest
and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice could be heard in the clouds, "Sh*t, missed!"

Hi Ladies

Many thanks for the giggles

Sexci, your post on the guy wanting hot raunchy sex is classic and apparantly, some really have been caught out talking to the receptionist!! Love it!! Oh to be a fly on the wall....


Katz