Man gets home, and tells wife 'Get me a drink before it starts' he drinks it. Then says 'Quick get me another before it starts' again he gets it and he drinks it and says 'another before it starts' she says "Listen ere you lazy fat ****, you walk in, sit down and start barking orders..... He says 'Fark me its started........................

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he always was."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Farmer's Daughters Dates

There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun.

At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?".

The farmer paused, then said "Ok, she's ready" .

Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said" Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. She ready to go?".

The farmer paused again and said "yeah, she's ready".

A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said "Hello, my name is Chuck..... " and the farmer shot him.

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?



Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is ....

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'

So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

(scroll down)









NO, The duck didn't say THAT





... Don't be SO disgusting. !



The duck said....



'I am a DRAKE,

You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahahaha

Great joke jem still laughing here thanks.

A Blonde in the Casino

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand Euros (Eu.20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."



MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men

The 60's

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's Mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows up.

'Oh yes,' the Mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the Mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the Mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her Mother in the kitchen. 'The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist! '

lmafo fkn priceless...pardon the pun