Got this bonn mot in my email...
Funny har har ..


Bill Gates of Heaven or Hell?

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill.

"Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around,playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!" To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.

Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." As you desire," said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver".

Prison Escapee

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
probably spent a lot of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he
wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... Do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds:

'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.'

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it...



take the time to think about it....................


Ready?




Answer:


10 little piggies





2 calves ,



1 ass,





and an unknown number of hares.






And of course one (1) . . .

for the aussies.... sorry littel bit political but thought it was cute


While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin 07 and his appointment to Prime Minister of Australia.

"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old farmer said, "when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!''

A Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer.)









<Keep going>







The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

****Women, stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.****

(Men, keep scrolling.)









<Men, keep on scrolling.>







So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either.

Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We snea ked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down...You'll love this ...


































"You got Male!"

Subject: Kevin Rudd + the call girl


Kevin Rudd (or Kevin Crudd or Kevin Dud as he is now known by certain citizens' groups), was looking for a call girl.

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of Australia. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, $200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead

Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages,
get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer
than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have Pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody cent!'

MARRIAGE
#1 cause of divorce.