On other threads there are guys asking where all the women who want commitment have got to. Seems there is a vast pool of women who are not interested in commitment out there.

There are guys cheating on their wives with women who don't mind being the "bit on the side" despite the lies, deviousness, sneaking around and general dishonesty that it entails.

From the point of view of one who is honestly in an open relationship and up front about what is wanted - a friend and lover with whom to enjoy times - I have to ask: where are all these women who want no-strings sex and don't mind if they are seeing a married man?

I don't seem to be meeting any of them.

Are women put off by honesty? Is having a sexual relationship with a married man fun only when there's lies and deception involved?

Not too surprisingly, my wife's profiles were bombarded by blokes looking for a bit of action - they didn't even care if she wanted to be friends first. I suspect that many weren't too fussy about whether or not she was in an open marriage...

Me? I get contacted by Russian and Thai women looking for a kiwi husband and, on one site, a 419 scammer that I frankly doubt was really a woman (given that the claims of having a few million US dollars to smuggle out of the Cote d'Ivoire were bogus, I tend to doubt the rest of the claims.)

So, on my wife's nights and weekends she goes out and has a great time with her various "others" and on my nights and weekends I often wind up staying home and watching a DVD or sit on-line looking at the dating sites.

If I do go out it's for a solitary bike ride or to visit friends who do not know about the relationship I have with my wife so I can't talk about it. I had hoped that by now I would have made friends with whom I could talk about these matters without fear of judgement, even if the relationship didn't go any further than just friends.

I wonder if I'm going about this all wrong, conveying the wrong messages.

have you thought that maybe you are sending out the wrong messages cause you are not happy with an open marriage. See I think if you were comfortable with the situation then you would be able to discuss it with your friends.....and you would be out and about finding someone to go out with as well.....I think the probably today is that so many women - llike myself - have been absolutely burned in relationships and we realise the only way to survive is to play the game as hard as the boys do......which makes it difficult for the boys who are looking for someone special.....if you want to chat.....I am happy to provide a non-judgemental supportive space for you....

Gneas, I only have a couple of friends that know about the relationship my wife and I have and I have no difficulty discussing it with them but a) I can't constantly keep visiting them every time I need to talk, b) that's only two other viewpoints/perspectives. Most of my other friends would be heavily judgemental of the "adultery is sin" or the "you're f***ing mad!" varieties. It would be nice having fresh perspectives so I treasure your offer for a non-judgemental chat.

Finding someone is problematic from the standpoint of locating someone who is looking for the same thing I am looking for. None of my female friends are interested in me in that manner and meeting new people entails first building up the friendship and ascertaining that there is a mutual sexual attraction but no desire for a deeper commitment than "lovers".

Do the blokes who get bits on the side have a skill set I lack? How do they find out that the woman is content to just be a lover? Obviously they don't just bowl up to random women and say "you're hot, I'm married, how 'bout being my bit on the side?"

There are women I see and chat with - at or near work - that I would not mind getting to know further and forming a relationship with if they were amenable but I'm understandably leery of "hitting on" co-workers and winding up being the subject of work gossip or ruining a professional relationship and a friendly relationship with a colleague.

At least on a dating site women can read my profile and know from the outset what I want and decide in advance if they're even interested in meeting me given what I'm looking for.

I have seen some profiles of the "bored housewife looking for action" variety but frankly I am put off by the "must have own place, only during the day while my husband is at work" bits - I'm an honest person and I would never cheat on a partner, I would not be comfortable in havng sex with someone who is cheating on her partner. I have permission to find a lover outside the marriage bed and I would only get involved with a married/attached woman who was likewise free to seek a lover with her partners knowledge. I hate dishonesty.

It's obviously up to you and your wife what you do but if I was married and my wife was screwing around the marriage would be history!

no man screws my wife.

youll get more contacts if you post a pic of yourself, other than that i dont think women generally like dishonesty either, but i think a lot of them dont like sharing. maybe you would have more luck on a married site