Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your ****?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

NEVER TRUST A CORKMAN!

This Irish guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Sinead, an
Irish student who is currently working behind the bar, takes his
order and notices his Irish accent. Over the course of the
night, they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night, he asks
her to sleep with him. Although she fancies him, she says no. He
then offers to pay her 100 quid for the deed. Sinead is
travelling the world, and because she is strapped for cash, she
agrees.

The next night, the same guy turns up, and after showing her
plenty of attention throughout the night, he asks her to sleep
with him again for 100 quid. She figures "in for a penny - in
for a pound," and as it was fantastic the night before, she goes
home with him again.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into
the bar, but this night he just orders a beer and sits in the
corner. Sinead is disappointed, and figures that maybe she
should pay him more attention.

She goes over and sits beside him. She asks him where he's from,
and he says, "Cork." "Wow," she says, "Me too! - what part?"
"Montenotte," he says. "Jesus, that's amazing," she says, "Which
street?" To which he names the street. She is truly gobsmacked.
"This is uncanny," she says, "what number?" "Number 20." "You
are not going to believe this," she says, "I'm from number 22!
My parents still live there!" "I know", he says. "Your Da gave
my five hundred quid to give you!"

A blonde was telling a priest an Irish joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Irish?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologises, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all working as spies
for the UK Government during the cold war when they're captured
by the Ruskies.

Several years pass and the Russian prison starts to get a bit
full, and the opportunity arises for an exchange of prisoners.
The Russians talk and decide not to release anyone too high an
IQ and so come up with a simple test in order to decide who they
should release.

Now the cells the three guys are basically pits with high walls
and a door at the top to allow food to be thrown in and/or a
ladder to be lowered. So the Ruskies go along to the Englishmans
cell and shine a torch down to him. "Walk up the beam of light
and you can go free English!"

"**** OFF YOU RUSSIAN BASTARDS! I'M NOT JESUS ****ING CHRIST! I
CAN'T WALK UP A BEAM OF LIGHT!"

The russians leave and go to the Scotsmans cell and shine the
torch down to him. "Walk up the beam of light and you can go
free!"

"OCH! GAN BOIL YE HEID, YA RUSSIAN WANKERS! I CANNY WARK UP NAE
BEAM A FOCKING LIGHT!"

So the russians go to the Irishmans cell and shine the torch
down to him. "Walk up the beam of light and you can go free!"

"YA CAN'T FOOL ME YOU BASTARDS! YOU'LL TURN IT OFF WHEN I'M HALF
WAY UP!"

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mum was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways." Mum took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mum fainted.

Originally Posted by 88888888

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mum was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways." Mum took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mum fainted.

roflmfao they are just hysterical jokes Love them!!!!

Give somebody a laugh a day Meggsie and I'm happy!

so next.....

Taking a wee break after winning the British Open, Tiger Woods drives his shiny new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. The attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the Tiger is, "Top o' the morning to ya" and as Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are dose tings my, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those wonderful fellas working for Buick tink of everything!"

Originally Posted by 88888888

Give somebody a laugh a day Meggsie and I'm happy!

so next.....

Taking a wee break after winning the British Open, Tiger Woods drives his shiny new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. The attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the Tiger is, "Top o' the morning to ya" and as Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are dose tings my, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those wonderful fellas working for Buick tink of everything!"

Well you certainly do a great job of brightening my day, love the jokes they are a real crack up- are you a professional comedian are you? Keep up the great work!! I'll be reading this forum now not just for the lovely Irish accents but the fantastic jokes too!!

Hi Meggsie,

not a pro at all, just love a good joke! Hope you like this one:

It was a quiet day in an English pub and a few local louts were feeling like starting a bit of trouble. Well, just then Paddy, the local Irishman had the misfortune to walk in and order a pint of stout.

One Englishman turns to the other two and says, “I say, let’s see who can get a rise out of Paddy, shall we?” They all agree and one of them walks over to Paddy’s table and says with a sneer:

“I hear that St Patrick was a raving drunkard, pissed out of his mind half the time.”

Paddy looked up from his stout, shrugged his shoulders and said, “Aie, now,” before turning away again.

The second Englishman gives the first a slap and he walks over and sneers at Paddy:

“The way I heard it, Saint Patrick was a lech and an adulterer.”

Paddy shrugged again, saying “Ahh, well,” and appeared not to react to their barbs.

The two Englishmen looked in confusion at the third. The third smiled viciously, as if he knew just the thing required to upset poor Paddy. Standing, he called out,

“I heard that Saint Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!!”

This time it appaered that he had Paddy's attention! Paddy looked up from his pint for a third time, stood up with a broad smile and said,

“Suure, weren’t dese other two lads just trying ta tell me ta same thing!”

Classic Comedy, love especially at the expense of the Poms, need something to cheer me up especially after they dumped the Wallabies on their derrie aires, then the All Blacks going down to the French of all teams dont they remember the Rainbow Warrior incident? Anyway keep the Jokes coming my friend they are awesome Meggs