Meggs Cead Mile Failte go dti an forum seo (a thousand welcomes to this forum) (this is a taste of the Gaelic and about all I know I am ashamed to admit) how about adding to the collection? we would all love to have your contributions.

A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up--sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"

Well Meggsie,

feel free to contribute too!

This is not politically correct so read on at your peril!


At the recent World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered and roared their approval!

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "Afta last yeer's conference I went 'ome and told my husband dat I would no longer do his shopping and dat he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nuting. After the second day I saw nuting. But after the tird day I could see a wee bit out of me left eye."

Originally Posted by pray

Meggs Cead Mile Failte go dti an forum seo (a thousand welcomes to this forum) (this is a taste of the Gaelic and about all I know I am ashamed to admit) how about adding to the collection? we would all love to have your contributions.

Ahhh Music to my ears, what is it about the Irish lingo and the Gaelic language that gets my heart racing and makes me blush? although my pronunciation of your writings is probably pretty ****e, as for my contributions, well I will try, being a kindy teacher means my joke telling is pretty lame, restricted to knock knock jokes, but the adult side of me is pretty raw there isnt much inbetween. So here is one that one of my 5 year old charges told me after hearing it from his 15 year old brother, pretty crude i might add, sorry: Why did the farmer cross the road? I dont know, why did the farmer cross the road? His **** was stuck in the chicken! You can imagine my surprise hearing that come out of a 5 year olds mouth! Next one : How do you kill a blonde? Put spikes in her shoulder pads! will go through the archives in my brain for some new and improved ones lol Meggs

Originally Posted by Miss Meggs

Ahhh Music to my ears, what is it about the Irish lingo and the Gaelic language that gets my heart racing and makes me blush? although my pronunciation of your writings is probably pretty ****e, as for my contributions, well I will try, being a kindy teacher means my joke telling is pretty lame, restricted to knock knock jokes, but the adult side of me is pretty raw there isnt much inbetween. So here is one that one of my 5 year old charges told me after hearing it from his 15 year old brother, pretty crude i might add, sorry: Why did the farmer cross the road? I dont know, why did the farmer cross the road? His **** was stuck in the chicken! You can imagine my surprise hearing that come out of a 5 year olds mouth! Next one : How do you kill a blonde? Put spikes in her shoulder pads! will go through the archives in my brain for some new and improved ones lol Meggs

Found some more lame material in my phone: A woman is given a hospital tour. She looks in a room and sees a man masturbating "Thats disgusting!" she says to the doctor, the doctor replies "He has a rare medical condition that means his testicles fill with semen so fast that he has to relieve himself at least five times a day or his testicles will explode." "Poor man" says the woman. In the next room a nurse is sucking a man's ****, "Explain that!!" says the mortified woman. "Easy, he has the same condition, however the lucky bastard has health insurance."
The best engine in the world is the twat. It takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with one finger and every four weeks does its own oil change... It is just a pity that the management system is so temperamental!!

Well thats me spent for the moment will have to poll the girls at work tomorrow for some more. That reminds me.. something you might get a giggle out of..One of the girls was telling me about her girlfriends honeymoon. This poor woman, good catholic, kept her virginity for marriage and when her new hubby, also a good catholic, was exploring her nether regions quickly hopped up, disappeared to the bathroom and came back, dove under the covers and started applying wart kill to her clitoris. Poor bugger thought he was doing his new wife a favour until she corrected him... how embarassing for all concerned!! I guess there is alot to be said for trying before you buy! cheers Meggs xxx

[This poor woman, good catholic, kept her virginity for marriage and when her new hubby, also a good catholic, was exploring her nether regions quickly hopped up, disappeared to the bathroom and came back, dove under the covers and started applying wart kill to her clitoris. Poor bugger thought he was doing his new wife a favour until she corrected him... how embarassing for all concerned!! I guess there is alot to be said for trying before you buy! cheers Meggs xxx[/quote]

Gawd ur not serious. roltfflmao

Originally Posted by 88888888

[This poor woman, good catholic, kept her virginity for marriage and when her new hubby, also a good catholic, was exploring her nether regions quickly hopped up, disappeared to the bathroom and came back, dove under the covers and started applying wart kill to her clitoris. Poor bugger thought he was doing his new wife a favour until she corrected him... how embarassing for all concerned!! I guess there is alot to be said for trying before you buy! cheers Meggs xxx

Gawd ur not serious. roltfflmao [/quote]
I kid you not I almost wet myself when I was told.... I pinched some quotes off our toilet wall at work, my boss has it decorated with funny and inspirational quotes so here goes for some Aussie humor: Pray that it is PMT and not your personality. When life gets you down dont get your knickers in a knot, it wont solve anything and it will make you walk funny. Just remember that the cute guy winking at you is someone elses ex boyfriend. One for you blokes : The girl across from you in the train is gorgeous and well dressed, smells delectable and her hair is just right but some where some man in the world is sick of her ****.
How can you tell a blonde has had a hard night? Her mouth is full. What do you call a row of blondes? A wind tunnel. Time for some new material, Im the one they boo off the stage on comedy night. hehehehehe have a nice night all will check in later Meggs

Well I found some slightly better humor so I thought I would share it, A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart your going to get hair on your Twinkie" She says "Yes I know, and Im Gonna get boobs too!"
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down the pastor leaned over and said "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied directly into the pastors clip on microphone "Yes and my Mum says its a ***** to iron"
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read"...and Chicken little went up to the farmer and said "The sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class "And what do you think the farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said "I think he said "Holy **** a talking chicken"
When a friend of mine was six months pregnant with her third child, her three year old came into the room as she was preparing to shower. She said "Mummy you are getting fat!" She replied "Yes honey remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know" she replied "But what's growing in your butt"

Enjoy Meggsxx

Originally Posted by Miss Meggs

Well I found some slightly better humor so I thought I would share it, A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart your going to get hair on your Twinkie" She says "Yes I know, and Im Gonna get boobs too!"
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down the pastor leaned over and said "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied directly into the pastors clip on microphone "Yes and my Mum says its a ***** to iron"
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read"...and Chicken little went up to the farmer and said "The sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class "And what do you think the farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said "I think he said "Holy **** a talking chicken"
When a friend of mine was six months pregnant with her third child, her three year old came into the room as she was preparing to shower. She said "Mummy you are getting fat!" She replied "Yes honey remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know" she replied "But what's growing in your butt"

Enjoy Meggsxx

Dear Meggs... Loverly laffs!!! If it was not for all the Irish down yonder in Oz the Presbyterians would all still be wowsers! Luv ya work lass!

Hi Meggsie,

hope all is well and my contribution for the day!

Q. Why do doctors slap babies' arse's right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A. The man.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Q. Why are men like commercials?
A. You can't believe a word they say.

Q. Why are men like popcorn?
A. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Q. Why are men like blenders?
A. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Q. Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A. Because so many men fake foreplay.

Q. Why are women so bad at mathematics?
A. Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

Q. What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
A. Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A. When the power goes off.

Q.What do men and women have in common?
A.They both distrust men.

Q. How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A. Guilt gifts are nicer.

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A.His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. How is a man like the weather?
A. Nothing can be done to change either one of them




And finally................................


Q. What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?

A. Castrated.