Originally Posted by 88888888

Hi Classic,


hope this does the trick today.


Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no
forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good" replied the interviewer.
And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know
of."

Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye" That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock
the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light", he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Irishman, he posed the same question.

"Sir, after hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea," said the Irishman.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?

"Oh, I can explain", said the Irishman, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could, think, blink, or turn on the light, I **** me pants!"

He got the job.............!

you really are too funny

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be
upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

A top London city lawyer went duck hunting on a Doctor friends property in rural Ireland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into the crusty old farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "Dis is my property, and you surely not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best top lawyers in the United Kingdom and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't be knowin' how we settle disputes in Ireland boyo? We settle small disagreements with da 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because da dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you tree times and then you kick me tree times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. "You ready boyo? asked the farmer and the lawyer nodded yes.

The old fella let rip with his first kick and planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin! and dropped him to his knees eyes watering profusely! ( The lawyers from pain the old fella's from pleasure).
His second kick was almost as effective, to the midriff, and sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours gasping for braeth ( the old fella was blowing a bit hard but for much more pleasurable reasons) when the farmer let rip with his third kick to his arsehole and sent him face-first into a fresh cow ****.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his very expensive hunting jacket, he said with a smile, "Okay, you old bastard. Now it's my turn."


The old farmer grinning toothlessly turmed to him and said , "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

The Farmer's Daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.[/quote]

Oh ****,

f**k that made me laugh and I needed it today thinker!

Originally Posted by 88888888

Hi Classic,

You should really think about a career in comedy 88888888 you seem to have great quality jokes and an endless supply keep up the great work Meggsxx

hope this does the trick today.


Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no
forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good" replied the interviewer.
And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know
of."

Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye" That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock
the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light", he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Irishman, he posed the same question.

"Sir, after hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea," said the Irishman.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?

"Oh, I can explain", said the Irishman, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could, think, blink, or turn on the light, I **** me pants!"

He got the job.............!

You should consider a career as a comedian 88888888 you seem to have an endless supply of quality jokes keep up the great work Meggs

Hiya All,

glad someones enjoying these so here we go again:

Seamus really fancied this girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else... (naturally! ) and completely ignored all his advances.

However, Seamus was fairly keen, if not a wee bit frustrated and thought "bugger this I'll have a crack anyhoooo!" and with that he went up to her bold as brass and said, "I'll be given ya a $100 if ya be lettin me make luv ta ya."

Da girl was shocked and just stared at him.

Seamus, quick as a flash summed this up as damn near acceptance and said, "I'll be farst. I'll trow da money on da floor, you be bending down, and I'll be finished by da time you pick it up."

She was strapped for cash and thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend (charming American chap this one!) says, "Ask him for a $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she looks at Seamus, smiles and accepts the proposal.

15minutes goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend to call and getting pretty anxious.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the girlfriend calls and the boyfriend asks what the hell happened!

She calmly responded, "Da fookin bastard used coins!"

On a Friday afternoon three office mates decide to go golfing the next morning so they decide to meet at 8 am at the gold course.

The first guy gets there at 5 to 8 he always likes to be early so he gets prepared and starts waiting for his friends, 8:30 arrives still nobody 9 am sounds and here comes one of them a little bit frustrated he ask what happened for him to be so late.

The guys says well i got up at seven and was getting ready to leave when my wife woke up and asked me where i was going I told her golfing and she said no no you're suppose to mow the lawn, so I did and came as soon as I was finish.

So they both sit and wait for their friend and 9:30 and finally 10 am before he shows up. The first guy even more frustrated ask the same question. The guy says the same thing except that his wife wanted him to clean the garage on top, so he did and got to the golf course as soon as he could.

The first was still angry when the third guy asks him how come he could get here at 8 am, the first guy says well i got up at seven and as i was getting ready to get dress my wife woke up and asked me what i was doing I looked at her and told her "honey i was waiting for you to wake up so we could make love" she looked at me and said "thats nice honey but ain't you suppose to be playing golf today"

After his wife has passed away an elderly gent finally decides to join a very exclusive nudist colony as he's always been a closet naturist.

On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around and check out the facilities. He decides on a quick spot of sunbathing by the gorgeous pool when he notices a delighfully scrumptious blond walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes straight over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies "No; what do you mean?"

She says, " Ahh, you must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lies down on hiu towel and eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Well the old fella reckons he's hit the jackpot here!

Next he continues to explore the colony's facilities and decides on the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No; what do you mean?" says the old fella.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and whacko, has his way with him.

The old fella staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.

"May I help you Sir?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "You've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities and ...."

And before she can finish the old fella blurts out, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old; I only get an erection once a month BUT I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"

Guys Im having a great giggle here and so are many others so please keep up the good work