O'Reilly gets up hung over one morning after a blinder and finds his darling wife in the kitchen, hard at work making him breakfast! He thinks to himself " ****e, normally she'll not be talkin to me for days after a night like dat!" I better see what she's up to. So he wanders over to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan????

"What are you doing?" he asks.

With a knowing smile that lit up the room she said "I be doing just wat you asked me to do last night when you came to bed so very drunk darling"

Completely puzzled, O'Reilly walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

Here are some quick jokes.


What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.

I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

He who hesitates is boss.

As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never

A Kiwi (Jick is his name) walks into his bedroom with a
sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig
I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend (Jull is her name) is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

Jick says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right

A short time later, she he started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she he started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew....

"They won't let me fart."

Originally Posted by 88888888

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right

A short time later, she he started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she he started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew....

"They won't let me fart."

good one lmao

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee."

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Even the POMS have a sense of humour. Please read the School teachers "bits" with a plum in your mouth (not literally )



A very prim and proper English Marm reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I will not tolerate any excuse for you not being here tomorrow. I may consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or even a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses are acceptable."

A smart arse young toff in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "Marm, What would you say if I arrived tomorrow and said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

Well the entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the English teacher smiles sympathetically at the young man, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I presume that you would have to write the exam with your other hand."

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "No Father, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Leanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Leanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Leanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Leanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Leanne hears another knock on her bedroom door.
It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Leanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Leanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Leanne is set to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, andthere he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am toroughly impressed dat at your age, Morris, ya 'ave enough juice to go at it tree times. I've been with boyo's less than a tird your age who were only good fer once!

You're a great lover, Morris!"

Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Leanne and says...
"WHAT?...Da ya mean I was here already?!"

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are. The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!" The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!" Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30... and he's home by 3:45!"