Originally Posted by Tyson

Beautifull this is definately not from someone whose imagination has past it's use by date.....hehehe

Agreed there

Johnny wasnt a very good at speller. One day, during a
spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word 'new on the
blackboard. Now, she asked Johnny, what word would we
have if we placed a 'K in the front?
After thinking a few seconds, Johnny said, Canoe?
n then...
Johnnys teacher asks, George Washington not only chopped down his fathers Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didnt punish him?
Little Johnny replies, Because George was the one holding the axe?

A couple od Mama jokes no offense to anyone I love my mum and all the mums.

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Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

Your mamma is so fat when we were having sex I rolled over 9 times and I was still on the *****!!!!!

Your mother is like a doorknob.... everyone gets a turn!

Your momma is like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows and gets laid in the closet.

Yo momma's hair so greasy when she gets in the car the oil light comes on.

Yo momma is so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo momma is so fat she put on a pair of Guess Jeans and the answer popped out.

Yo momma's so fat she can't even fit in the chat room.

Yo momma's so stupid she sold her car for gas money.

theres some funny ones tho alzo, specially goin round the schools n bars!
ya mommas so dum she sat on the tele n watched the sofa, n shes so stupid she got locked in a food store n starved 2 death n shes so ugly that wen she entered the ugly pageant the judges said no professionals!

Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Your mom's so fat, when she dances the band skips.

Your mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good side.

Your mother's so fat, her clothes have stretch marks.

Your mother's so fat, she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

Your mother's so fat, you could slap her butt and ride the waves.

Your mother's so fat, she needs a hula hoop to keep her socks up.

Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Your mother's so fat, when they used her underwear for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "OK"!

Your mom's so fat, when she lays on the beach, people run around yelling, "Free Willie!"

lmao alzo! im changin the tune!
did ya hear about the blonde who baked aked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125
and after losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms!



A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. What's up? he says. I'm having a heart attack, cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.
You rotten bastard, says the husband,my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!

Signs that you are too drunk would be...

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
* Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
* You can focus better with one eye closed.
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
* At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
* The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona. The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser. The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors. He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, Give me a Coke. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, Why aren't you drinking a Guinness? and the Guinness president replies, Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I

Here is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

Originally Posted by Alzeimer

Here is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

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Very funny in a tragic kind of way