Alcohol consumption is escapism. Escapism from stress, painful emotions etc. Maybe he feels rejected or has some issues where he cannot allow himself to be loved due to some guilt issues etc. (often totally irrational) and coming over to your place means he has to face this pain so he uses alcohol to numb it. You could try explaining to him that his kids really love him and would like to spend time with the real him not the drinker and that he releave his guilt by being the best dad he can be (which does not have to and can never be perfect). All he has to do is keep honestly trying and you will forgive his occassional failures. Sometimes it seems easier to run away and often this is the best option in the short term as it can give one the opportunity to regroup and decide how to face the situation constructively, but it should usually be done with this in mind. Men generally are taught to repress and numb things (big boys do not cry etc.). I also think it makes us guys more emotionally selfish as we are also less able to empathise with others due to this repression. Here I think he is using alcohol to numb the negative emotions about himself he cannot repress and if you give him just negative feedback he may chose to run away altogether. So you should tell him what is not acceptable but also how he can make his behaviour (not himself, the real him is always acceptable) acceptable and that you and your kids really want the real loving, caring, giving, him in your lives. Also remind him what you and the kids like about him and tell him what you want more of. These are just some thoughts thrown together, only you know the real situation so best of luck with it.

Very well said thinker, Not just males use alcohol for escapism and stress either, many females resort to hitting the bottle when times get tough.
Kids need their dad and in saying that they need a dad who is NOT drunk when he is around them, it teaches them bad habits. I would tell him this but calmly, explain that he is welcome at your home but ONLY sober and if he cannot do that then he will have to stay away until he can. As none of us understand the events behind the split it is very difficult to offer advice on the best way to handle the situation.

I wish you luck.

Tox.

Originally Posted by thinker

Alcohol consumption is escapism. Escapism from stress, painful emotions etc. Maybe he feels rejected or has some issues where he cannot allow himself to be loved due to some guilt issues etc. (often totally irrational) and coming over to your place means he has to face this pain so he uses alcohol to numb it. You could try explaining to him that his kids really love him and would like to spend time with the real him not the drinker and that he releave his guilt by being the best dad he can be (which does not have to and can never be perfect). All he has to do is keep honestly trying and you will forgive his occassional failures. Sometimes it seems easier to run away and often this is the best option in the short term as it can give one the opportunity to regroup and decide how to face the situation constructively, but it should usually be done with this in mind. Men generally are taught to repress and numb things (big boys do not cry etc.). I also think it makes us guys more emotionally selfish as we are also less able to empathise with others due to this repression. Here I think he is using alcohol to numb the negative emotions about himself he cannot repress and if you give him just negative feedback he may chose to run away altogether. So you should tell him what is not acceptable but also how he can make his behaviour (not himself, the real him is always acceptable) acceptable and that you and your kids really want the real loving, caring, giving, him in your lives. Also remind him what you and the kids like about him and tell him what you want more of. These are just some thoughts thrown together, only you know the real situation so best of luck with it.

Originally Posted by rose1968

hiya everyone - ive been seperated from my husband for 2 years now and i am finding it very hard to get him involved with our children. (Hence the seperation) To help make the transition easier for our boys - i allowed for him to come and stay one night a week (sunday) at our house. Both the boys look forward to this tremendously, however in the beginning he would turn up very late at night (ie after 9.30pm & the boys go to bed at 8pm on a school night) and drunk. I told him this was not acceptable and if he could not get to the house before 7.00pm or 7.30pm and turn up sober then dont bother coming at all. The idea i had for the Sunday visits was that he would come and hopefully pick up the boys sometime during the day and spend some "quality time" with them - to date this has not happened. We both live in the same town so distance is not an issue. While he does not turn up late anymore (he now turns up anywhere between 6 and 8pm) he is still not totally sober when he does show. I will say right now that he is not a violent person, just annoying to me and I can see that he is just using the house as somewhere to sleep for the night. Other nights of the weeks he stays at his parents farm or gets a room at the pub.

The question i pose is do i stop the Sunday visits altogether or what do i do.
I really worry how the boys will cope if i stop the visits as i think they will have no contact whatsoever, except for the odd occasion when we might see him in town - any advice anyone - would love to hear it

Hi Rose, As a Mum who has been in your situation, I'd like to just offer you my thoughts. Firstly, your decision to allow him to stay over was probably for "all of you" in your mind & heart which is understandable, but I'm sorry to say was not the right move. Which proved to be; in his lateness, soberness etc. However, you making a stand was great! and you need to keep doing so. You've been giving him too much lee-way to doing, and keep on doing what 'he" wants to do, and "when he wants to do it". I know it sounds bossy etc and you're probably not used to it (as I wasn't) but it's basically a matter of him Stepping Up To The Plate! He needs to take responsibility.
I think you know, that you & your husband aren't on the same page. Hence the; "The idea I had " & 'hence this hasn't happened" Him turning up anywhere between 6&8? Q: What the heck is that? A: It's his time clock - hey? And still he turns up drunk. I don't mean to make you feel awful, as I know it's hard enough, but he has No respect for you, or the kids. By the way, you haven't mentioned but in case it's relevant, don't let him use; you & the kids having the house as a reason for him staying either. He doesn't have Any hold over you, and it is about the children - Not Him. As you can see, by all these threads you have much support for advice, you also need supportive friends and family. I know it may feel weird & yucky for them to know what's going on, (as I know I felt like I'd failed, at first) but believe me the more support you have, actually can give you strength and confidence in yourself that you can & will do what is best for your kids - which is what this is all about. Also, you need them:- For You, as a shoulder, as listeners, and just to be there. So, my overall advice, Stop the overnights alltogether, (having him stay will not help the boys know the situation). You haven't mentioned the age of your boys but from what I can gather, you understand & want to make changes because you are a parent. I don't think he understands the same concept. You need to be strong for your boys, and in yourself.And that means standing up to him, sticking to your guns, but never put the kids in the middle. And don't let him do that either. You'll both learn through it, but your kids don't need to. They need security (as in peace of mind, that you are there for them, you are strong, and everything is going to be o.k.), love, confidence, encouragement etc. I know it's hard, but you have to be the one who is going to see them through. And you can do it!!