hiya everyone - ive been seperated from my husband for 2 years now and i am finding it very hard to get him involved with our children. (Hence the seperation) To help make the transition easier for our boys - i allowed for him to come and stay one night a week (sunday) at our house. Both the boys look forward to this tremendously, however in the beginning he would turn up very late at night (ie after 9.30pm & the boys go to bed at 8pm on a school night) and drunk. I told him this was not acceptable and if he could not get to the house before 7.00pm or 7.30pm and turn up sober then dont bother coming at all. The idea i had for the Sunday visits was that he would come and hopefully pick up the boys sometime during the day and spend some "quality time" with them - to date this has not happened. We both live in the same town so distance is not an issue. While he does not turn up late anymore (he now turns up anywhere between 6 and 8pm) he is still not totally sober when he does show. I will say right now that he is not a violent person, just annoying to me and I can see that he is just using the house as somewhere to sleep for the night. Other nights of the weeks he stays at his parents farm or gets a room at the pub.

The question i pose is do i stop the Sunday visits altogether or what do i do.
I really worry how the boys will cope if i stop the visits as i think they will have no contact whatsoever, except for the odd occasion when we might see him in town - any advice anyone - would love to hear it

Originally Posted by rose1968

The question i pose is do i stop the Sunday visits altogether or what do i do.
I really worry how the boys will cope if i stop the visits as i think they will have no contact whatsoever, except for the odd occasion when we might see him in town - any advice anyone - would love to hear it

Hello Rose....I think the question you need to ask yourself is.....
What is better for the boys......is it better for them to also move on without Dad......
Children will mimic what they see and hear around them in their own homes, this is where they learn.....so ask yourself what lessons in life are they learning from their dad..........good ones or bad ones....
The one they are learning at the moment is that you are giving him permission to be disrespectful to you, turning up drunk is not acceptable.
but then you need to find out 'why' he turns up in that state...

have you tried just sitting and talking to him...ask him..why he does that...

but if that is not acceptable to you then you have to make it clear.....
You must set boundary's for your children.....and all who come in contact with them.....
He..I think needs help......decide what is acceptable to you and make it quite clear to him that these are the rules in your home, and if he wishes to be a part of the childrens life then he has to abide by them....
Good luck.......and be strong......you can do this.....

Originally Posted by rose1968

hiya everyone - ive been seperated from my husband for 2 years now and i am finding it very hard to get him involved with our children. (Hence the seperation) To help make the transition easier for our boys - i allowed for him to come and stay one night a week (sunday) at our house. Both the boys look forward to this tremendously, however in the beginning he would turn up very late at night (ie after 9.30pm & the boys go to bed at 8pm on a school night) and drunk. I told him this was not acceptable and if he could not get to the house before 7.00pm or 7.30pm and turn up sober then dont bother coming at all. The idea i had for the Sunday visits was that he would come and hopefully pick up the boys sometime during the day and spend some "quality time" with them - to date this has not happened. We both live in the same town so distance is not an issue. While he does not turn up late anymore (he now turns up anywhere between 6 and 8pm) he is still not totally sober when he does show. I will say right now that he is not a violent person, just annoying to me and I can see that he is just using the house as somewhere to sleep for the night. Other nights of the weeks he stays at his parents farm or gets a room at the pub.

The question i pose is do i stop the Sunday visits altogether or what do i do.
I really worry how the boys will cope if i stop the visits as i think they will have no contact whatsoever, except for the odd occasion when we might see him in town - any advice anyone - would love to hear it

Life is full of questions and answers. May be what you think about him using your house for a night to sleep is right...and may be not. Every individual has the need for love...how he satisfies this need is upto the individual. Now when you are already separated and have come to the conculsion that he could spend some time (quality time) with the kids...try to put this word across through your children. Let the children decide what they want from their dad...whether they accept him in this condition or they would like him to behave in some other way...let them ask him for what they want.

I am not sure what sort of a person he could be...but I do believe that every father loves his children like every mother does and as you would do everything possible to make your children happy...so will he.

Kindly do not communicate this to him yourself or he may take it in some other sense. Speak to your kids and find out what is in the best interest of your family...make sure that you listen to them with an open mind and do not approach them with preset notions or else you would have already arrived at the result of discussion without even having done it.

All the best!

Being able to procreate doesn't mean being able to be a parent.

That being said, you know him a lot more than any of us and from what i read in your post even before he wasn't really involved with your boys so why do you think he would be after. If the willingness to be part of their life doesn't come from him no matter how much you try it won't work and also as Poochi said what your kids desire is more important than what you want and if for them seeing their dad is very important then let them decide if him being drunk is acceptable or not and if he hears it from them that they don't like when he is drunk it will surely make more effect that if it comes from you, that is if he really loves them and wants their happiness before his.

Alzeimer's quite right - you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Getting him to turn up each week is not going to make him spend good quality time with the kids.

And Pagly raises an excellent point - do your kids really need to learn that it's OK to be disrespectful to women in general and you in particular? That being intoxicated and ignoring your kids is acceptable?

My suggestion is stop the visits until he wants to proper spend time with the kids - he probably will at some stage when he grows up and removes his head from his arse but at the moment your kids are probably more emotionally mature than he is.

Explain to your kids nicely that their dad is busy sorting his life out and that it's no reflection on them.

Do you have any reliable, trustworthy male friends who can visit and have fun with your kids (possibly have kids of their own who can play with your kids as well) and provide a positive male role model to teach them that adult men can and do behave responsibly?

The kids can learn from "uncle" so-and-so that grown men behave appropriately.

Later they can get to know their dad after he's realised what a colossal ****-up he's made of his life and is ready to get to know his kids.

All the best, Rose.

Originally Posted by hn12345

Alzeimer's quite right - you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Getting him to turn up each week is not going to make him spend good quality time with the kids.

And Pagly raises an excellent point - do your kids really need to learn that it's OK to be disrespectful to women in general and you in particular? That being intoxicated and ignoring your kids is acceptable?

My suggestion is stop the visits until he wants to proper spend time with the kids - he probably will at some stage when he grows up and removes his head from his arse but at the moment your kids are probably more emotionally mature than he is.

Explain to your kids nicely that their dad is busy sorting his life out and that it's no reflection on them.

Do you have any reliable, trustworthy male friends who can visit and have fun with your kids (possibly have kids of their own who can play with your kids as well) and provide a positive male role model to teach them that adult men can and do behave responsibly?

The kids can learn from "uncle" so-and-so that grown men behave appropriately.

Later they can get to know their dad after he's realised what a colossal ****-up he's made of his life and is ready to get to know his kids.

All the best, Rose.

O well well...you are arriving here at a conclusion my friend. You must give enough space to individuals to let them understand what there life could mean. Providing meanings to their life through your experiences (especially bad ones) is not apt.

They should understand to sort the differences out and arrive at amicable solutions. Involving others into the family has advantages and disadvantages.

The point to follow is...In case they are interested to make their kids happy...ask them what they like and try to achieve the possible bits.

Originally Posted by Poochi

O well well...you are arriving here at a conclusion my friend. You must give enough space to individuals to let them understand what there life could mean. Providing meanings to their life through your experiences (especially bad ones) is not apt.

They should understand to sort the differences out and arrive at amicable solutions. Involving others into the family has advantages and disadvantages.

The point to follow is...In case they are interested to make their kids happy...ask them what they like and try to achieve the possible bits.

Rose asked for opinions and obviously ours differ.

From my point of view, if I had kids with one of my ex's and they constantly turned up late and drunk to see the kids and then had so little respect for me and our kids that they still turned up drunk at any hour after being given a couple of reasonable ground rules (sober and before 7:30), I would not want my kids to be subjected to that and I would not desire to be subjected to it myself.

I based my post on the information Rose supplied in her post. The bloke may well love his kids, but he's not showing them (or her) a lot of respect.

If I had kids to any of my ex's and I were visiting them, I would turn up in time to spend time with the kids and I would not be drunk. I would also make sure that they saw that, despite my ex and I being separated, we're both still mature adults and can behave respectfully towards one another.

If something about my behaviour around the kids was deemed inappropriate and I were told ground rules by which to conduct myself, I would abide by them.

Just my opinion, your views may well differ.

Originally Posted by Pagly

Hello Rose....I think the question you need to ask yourself is.....
What is better for the boys......is it better for them to also move on without Dad......
Children will mimic what they see and hear around them in their own homes, this is where they learn.....so ask yourself what lessons in life are they learning from their dad..........good ones or bad ones....
The one they are learning at the moment is that you are giving him permission to be disrespectful to you, turning up drunk is not acceptable.
but then you need to find out 'why' he turns up in that state...

have you tried just sitting and talking to him...ask him..why he does that...

but if that is not acceptable to you then you have to make it clear.....
You must set boundary's for your children.....and all who come in contact with them.....
He..I think needs help......decide what is acceptable to you and make it quite clear to him that these are the rules in your home, and if he wishes to be a part of the childrens life then he has to abide by them....
Good luck.......and be strong......you can do this.....

Thank you so much for your wonderful advice Pagly - deep in my heart I know that it is not good for my boys to see their dad when he has been drinking and I know full well that I really have to make those boundries clear to him - yes your right he does need help but he has to realize this for himself. So this Sunday or perhaps Monday afternoon (when he comes to collect his car after work and has not been drinking) I will explain to him what I think and see if we can work out some guidlines, this will not be the first time I have spoken to him in regards to this and if it does not improve, I think I will have no choice expect to tell him he can no longer stay of a night, but is still welcome to visit with the boys during the day if he chooses. Anyway you seem like a lovely person and thank you for your advice.

Originally Posted by rose1968

hiya everyone - ive been seperated from my husband for 2 years now and i am finding it very hard to get him involved with our children. (Hence the seperation) To help make the transition easier for our boys - i allowed for him to come and stay one night a week (sunday) at our house. Both the boys look forward to this tremendously, however in the beginning he would turn up very late at night (ie after 9.30pm & the boys go to bed at 8pm on a school night) and drunk. I told him this was not acceptable and if he could not get to the house before 7.00pm or 7.30pm and turn up sober then dont bother coming at all. The idea i had for the Sunday visits was that he would come and hopefully pick up the boys sometime during the day and spend some "quality time" with them - to date this has not happened. We both live in the same town so distance is not an issue. While he does not turn up late anymore (he now turns up anywhere between 6 and 8pm) he is still not totally sober when he does show. I will say right now that he is not a violent person, just annoying to me and I can see that he is just using the house as somewhere to sleep for the night. Other nights of the weeks he stays at his parents farm or gets a room at the pub.

The question i pose is do i stop the Sunday visits altogether or what do i do.
I really worry how the boys will cope if i stop the visits as i think they will have no contact whatsoever, except for the odd occasion when we might see him in town - any advice anyone - would love to hear it

I just wanted to say thank you to each and everyone of you who took the time to read my post and offer some advice, all of which I found informative and helpful. I was going to go through and thank each of you individually as I feel that you all really do deserve that but I realized it would take me hours lol. So once again thank you each and everyone, your advice was given with thought and feeling and very much appreciated by me. Be kind to each other everyone and take care for now. Rose.

Originally Posted by rose1968

deep in my heart I know that it is not good for my boys to see their dad when he has been drinking and I know full well that I really have to make those boundries clear to him - yes your right he does need help but he has to realize this for himself. So this Sunday or perhaps Monday afternoon (when he comes to collect his car after work and has not been drinking) I will explain to him what I think and see if we can work out some guidlines, this will not be the first time I have spoken to him in regards to this and if it does not improve, I think I will have no choice expect to tell him he can no longer stay of a night, but is still welcome to visit with the boys during the day if he chooses.

All the best with it, Rose. It's a good working plan.