boyformom I need someone to look up to

I grew up just outside of a small town. I am the eldest son of parents who didn't seem to understand that one day their kids would become functioning members of society. To make matters worse, this isolation allowed for lapses in judgment on my parents part regarding how to treat members of groups which my mom especially had problems with. The result, unbelievable though it may sound in this day and age, is that I was literally subject to persecution simply because I had been associating with christians on campus in college. And this went on for months.

All-in-all, when it came time to move out into the outside world, nothing made sense to me. I was eventually able to get and hold a job and live on my own, but since I had no social training, I decided to wait and watch and listen to others in the hope that I would be given the key I needed with which to unlock the secret to fitting in to society. In '93, my mom died of cancer and I started becoming my own person, realizing that waiting for help wasn't going to work. So I set about trying to find the answers I needed by myself. Another period of ten years passed while I kept up this search. My dad died in December of 2004, and I knew it was time to start forming my own conclusions about the world I live in.

I was very successful at building a working picture of the world. I'm quite sure that I have in my possession the world's first coherent theory of the emotions now. The unfortunate thing is that, while I think I can say that I understand people very clearly, the bulk of the population very likely does not share my understanding in the slightest. Instead of fitting in, I find that I have only defined how I am different from others.

Is there anyone who does understand? Someone who is stronger than I am and knows how to handle herself where I don't? After years of confusion and then enlightenment, I think that my status is that of a dependant--46 years old and very intelligent, but a dependant nonetheless. I want to be fitted with a mate, but I don't have the right to come across as being self-sufficient, and I know it. Instead, I'm strongly driven to find someone into whose hands I can put myself and my life to be guided and directed according to her best judgment, and kept safe and protected by her. Yes, I know those are parental responsibilities; I have adult drives and desires like those of any male, but I'm unable to avoid the fact that I'm a dependant, so that's how I represent myself.

For what it's worth, I'm gentle and I think I have a good sense of humor. I would say that I'm easy-going (I'm rarely angry about anything at all, except maybe sudoku), but that might be misunderstood, and so I'm also wanting to describe myself as being cooperative--even obedient, to someone who I put my trust in.

How do I envision dating? I don't. It's more like I'm the one who is being dated. Though it often seems hopeless, I dream of catching someone's eye both because I'm available and because she somehow knows that I have limitations and responds to me just as much through maternal instincts as through mating instincts. This may sound completely silly, but I so much want to hear her tell me that she has had her eye on me for a while. More to the point, I almost need to hear her say, "Here I am--everything is going to be alright now.

I'm perfectly happy with giving her flowers and paying for dinner and a movie and the like, but with the understanding that she accepts these things out of compassion for me, knowing that guys are traditionally supposed to do these things, but that I can't be a traditional guy any more than this. I don't drive a car (I have never had to), and overall, I wait for someone who knows how to talk to me and who is comfortable taking the lead in a relationship. Is that possible?